[The following is an output from GPT-4.5 when asked to give a 500-word-exact satirical wedding announcement of Joe and Karen Schmo in the style of The Onion]
ANYTOWN, USA—In a ceremony described by witnesses as "painfully Pinterest-inspired," local couple Joe and Karen Schmo officially joined their lives (and Instagram accounts) in holy matrimony Saturday at the First Church of Trendy Nondenominationals.
Joe, best known around town as "the guy who always talks about crypto without fully understanding it," exchanged vows with Karen, self-proclaimed social media influencer whose latest passion project involves selling candles allegedly infused with "essential happiness."
The bride arrived precisely one hour late, having reportedly needed extra time to perfect a TikTok documenting her "authentic" wedding day emotions. Guests applauded politely, aware they were being filmed for Karen's forthcoming YouTube channel "Mindful Marriage With Karen," a series experts predict will last at least three episodes.
During their handwritten vows, Karen promised to "always remind Joe about mindfulness during NFL Sundays," while Joe vowed to "like and subscribe to her heart, forever." The minister, himself a former corporate leadership guru turned spiritual advisor, solemnly pronounced them husband and wife, and reminded attendees to "manifest success and abundance" by purchasing his latest self-help e-book available at the chapel gift shop.
At the rustic-chic reception held at the "Ironically Old-Fashioned Barn Event Center," guests dined on avocado-toast hors d'oeuvres and gluten-free kale-based desserts, cautiously navigating conversations to avoid triggering heated debates on either politics or veganism.
The Schmos entertained their 150 carefully selected acquaintances by performing a choreographed first dance to a dubstep remix of "Sweet Caroline," which was met with lukewarm enthusiasm but heavy smartphone documentation. Later, Karen was spotted loudly whispering "content is queen" to Joe, prompting him to initiate a staged, candid toast featuring a lengthy anecdote about "following your dreams" and several references to Elon Musk.
"It's exactly the wedding I've always imagined since Pinterest launched," Karen tearfully declared, tagging seven lifestyle brands in her Instagram post. Meanwhile, Joe expressed excitement about starting their married life with matching "Always Hustlin'" coffee mugs purchased from Etsy.
Guests departed with "wellness swag bags," including activated charcoal toothpicks, manifestation journals printed with Karen’s favorite misattributed quotes, and mini bottles of kombucha labeled "Joe & Karen’s Brew-tiful Love."
The couple plans a honeymoon retreat to an exclusive "digital detox" eco-resort, which notably features robust Wi-Fi coverage to ensure guests can adequately post about unplugging from technology.
As of press time, the Schmos had already publicly vowed to renew their vows annually, or whenever engagement rates begin declining, whichever occurs first.